Hey listeners! Welcome to another episode of Brown Girls Read podcast. This is your hosts Daman Tiwana and this is Khyati Thakur, and both of us love reading books. On this podcast, we bring our favorite books to you every month, and discuss the parts that were most meaningful to us and how we found them interesting or relatable as brown girls.
Khyati, how has it been these last few weeks?
Before we start discussing our discussion I just want to urge everyone out there to practice social distancing, so we can minimize the spread of coronavirus. Not just for us, but also for ones around us especially those who are at high risk because of their age or immunity conditions. Let’s all practice kindness towards each other and share resources instead of selfishly hoarding them.
We also understand that it can get isolating, but we can mitigate the boredom and loneliness by adopting long distance relationship practices in our lives. It’s a good time to use technology to connect with friends and family. And to entertain you in this, we are here with our next book.
Today, we are discussing What I know now: Letters to My Younger Self by Ellyn Spragins. To give you an overview of the book, 41 highly successful women have written letters to their younger selves. These letters are filled with insights and advice that they wish they had when they were younger. In general, a life advice that’s been consistent in all of these letters was to believe in your instincts. If your gut instinct says it’s not right, it must not be. No matter, how many people are pressuring you to do something, if you don’t feel it’s right for you, don’t do it.
This book is a collection of beautiful letters written by 41 incredible women, to their younger selves— and we have picked our favorites for you.
My first favorite letter is by Madeleine Albright (Former Secretary to State). At 69, she chose to write a letter to her 44 year old self. She was still reeling from the breakdown of her marriage of 24 years. In her letter she tells herself to not worry about uncertainty, to trust her gut, and that there is no formula and everyone must choose their path. I loved that this was the first letter in the book: I felt like I needed this advice, in fact I need to hear this over and over because I am a big worrier, and really struggle with trusting that things will workout and I have to follow my path and keep working hard without worrying so much. She also tells her younger self that it’s hard to feel qualified as a role model. And it’ll take years before she’ll realize that she already is a good role model. It’s so surprising to see that someone like Madeleine Albright is thinking about if she is a role model or not. But it’s also comforting in a way. I mean I don’t know if I ever think about becoming a role model for people because that’s just not achievable but I think what I liked in her letter was that she has got to believe that she has the guts to find her own self. And this is so important to believe in, specially when so many things around you are putting you down.
Speaking of Madeleine, the first time I learned about her was in a TV show. Have you watched Parks and Rec? She appears in an episode, and I loved her so much in that little appearance— she was really cool and confident in her cameo on a TV show. Yeah, I love parks and rec and I have seen each episode of that show like 7-8 times, so yeah, I remember it.
Next letter I want to discuss is Barbara Boxer’s who is the U.S. Senator from California.
“One of my biggest faults when I started out in politics was being judgemental. At that young age, I didn’t really have the patience to hear why someone might have a different point of view from mine.” And that was the theme of her letter to herself— telling herself to be more open to others, to learning. I loved that she told herself to not see everything in black and white ( she calls it easy work) and that she wrote that every single person is as important as you are and has a story to tell. I can’t say I haven’t been guilty of doing just that in my life. I have been judgmental, so judgemental in the past. This advice is extremely relevant in today’s world where people are so stoic about what they believe in and about their opinions that they don’t even want to listen to the other person’s point of view. No one wants to open their mind and think for a second where the person who is opposing or challenging their view, is actually coming from. What that guy’s experience must be that he has a perspective like that. And when you have people who are so on the extreme ends of the spectrum, it’s very difficult to think of a middle ground, in nations, in cities, in communities and even in families.
Another letter that I really liked was Roz Chast’s (Cartoonist). You know, one thing that I am greatly thankful for that we picked this book up, is because I met Roz Chast and learnt about her through this book. I didn’t know about her cartoons earlier.
In her letter, she says “being an adult is better than being a kid” and I was thinking to myself, why would a cartoonist say something absurd like that? Of course, being a kid is so much better, right? But then I saw her cartoons and I realized that she does have a talent for identifying everyday neuroses. And it’s no wonder, because she grew up with her mom who was a hypochondriac and because of that, Roz picked it up too. Can you imagine growing up in a world like that where everything around you seems like full of diseases and germs and fretting over it constantly! Its scary but it’s great to see (and I don’t know how), that she channeled it into something more relatable to the world!
And her letter to herself was so different from messages we hear that childhood is the best thing.
Next letter I want to talk about is Breena Clarke’s, who’s a Novelist.
What really stood out for me was the fact that she didn’t know how to swim her entire life and she learned how to in her forties. I have tried several times but honestly I never put in the needed amount of time or work and gave up way too soon.. but this inspired me to not give up. That it’s not too late and I CAN learn to swim. This summer I’ll try again.
She also asks her younger self to try more things and to cross more lines. Well, I think if I am scared of one thing in life it’s this. That I am 70 one day and I look back and I realize that I didnt try different things and I didnt cross more lines. That’s an extremely sad realization.
Another thing she writes is that we had been bombarded with the idea that our hair in its natural state was not good. I painfully relate to this. Since my teenage years I have been straightening my hair, even on days I didn’t feel like it.. you remember when we were kids we used iron to straighten our hair in India… I blame Hollywood- all the imagery we get of beautiful attractive women is these straight haired thin women, and everyone wants to be that.. whether by choice or because of pressure. That also reminds me of something similar that Lisa scottosline said later in the book to her younger self – “ Your hair matters far far less than you think”. Only now I have started becoming comfortable with my weight issues. I think to get comfortable with my natural hair is for the next decade!
In the past year or two I have become more accepting of myself, including my hair, but every now and then that voice rings in my head telling me I don’t look good enough in my natural state. Brainy as you are, you don’t know that hair is just hair.
Next letter: Ann Curry who’s a news correspondent at today
Her letter shows struggle of immigrants— the pressure to assimilate and become like everyone around so you can blend in and not stand out— so the negative light can stop shining on you— whether it’s for how you look or the color of your skin or what your accent is.. they have made us feel inferior and in some ways we have tried to adopt to become a part of the crowd when actually we are meant to stand out and shine in our uniqueness. Is it surprising that you hardly recognize yourself? Have you felt this?
I think life would be so much easier for everyone if they stopped worrying about what people will think of them and truly, without hesitation accept who they really are. It’s not easy to do, but it’s extremely liberating because once you accept it, you are free in your mind and that’s where happiness lies. Has anyone out there listening to us felt this? Write to us if you have felt this at any point in your life.
She calls herself a late bloomer at 47, and I relate so much— I feel like I took really long to learn many things which I wish I would have known earlier.. I would have suffered less.
On a side note, Her letter also mentions that she grew up in Ashland Oregon and it reminded me of our last book— Cheryl made a stop in Ashland on her hike. Oh yeahh!! It’s all coming together!
Another letter that I found really relatable was by Eileen Fisher. She is a clothing designer and an entrepreneur. And she teaches free yoga, tai chi, dance moves and stress reduction. But things were at one point not so rosy for her. She has written a letter to her early twenties self when she had no resources to excel in her career and she was living with her boyfriend and felt trapped by him. And she felt depressed.
‘One by one her friends had fallen away because her boyfriend didn’t like them. She couldn’t turn to her family because her parents disapproved of their living arrangements.’ These two sentences said so much about relationships we have seen growing up. Like it was a known thing that once a girl has a boyfriend she would stop hanging out with friends eventually. And so many of them would get mistreated by their boyfriends but since parents generally didn’t approve of relationships they had no one to support them or help them. Which kept them stuck in bad relationships so much longer. She encourages her twenty year old self to not be afraid of living alone. That she needs psychological space. And I think it resonated with me so much because growing up, in our culture, living alone is considered as a punishment. I have practically lived alone after the age of 17, for studies, for work and then when I came to the US, I lived alone in my studio apartment. And this …was never encouraged by my parents. India is such a social culture that no one can even comprehend how living alone can be so liberating.
I used to get pity calls from my parents almost everyday when they used to tell me things like, “please get married because you’re living alone right now. That can be so damaging for you as a person.” And I had to argue with them and reason with them about why I love living all by my own and why I enjoy having no one to disturb my thoughts. I think it’s because of that, that We are all so afraid of being alone at some level that it makes us stay and settle. It’s just something we have been taught in life— you’re incomplete till you are married. I don’t think they can ever understand how utterly important it is to live all by yourself, alone, once in your life. You get to learn so much about yourself when you shut yourself out and take a sneak peak into your own soul and into your own mind. It’s beautiful and I absolutely loved it! So yes, girls, if you’re thinking about living alone and are afraid of doing so..don’t be!
Next letter that I liked is Jane Kaczmarek (actress) – She is an actress. I know her from the show Malcolm in the middle. She got nominated 6 times for the Emmys for this show.
In her letter to her younger self, she asks her younger self to look at the big picture, so she can learn what true success means. Which is being a whole person, someone with balance and compassion.
I love that she writes: “I’m laughing because your failure— or should I say your string of failures?— is hilarious because it’s so exaggerated.” These— smack!— belly flops are going to turn out to be the best things ever for you.” She talks about her series of failures when she was 32, after being always winning and being successful in life so far, and she wants to tell herself that however bad it may feel these failures are going to open her up in new ways and she is going to learn a lot from it including being vulnerable and that defined success means nothing when it comes to quality of people in your life.
She also says that it’s okay to be vulnerable and really okay to say “I don’t know what I am doing with my life”. And I think this is where I found her letter to be extremely useful. We are required to project this image of all-knowing, all-strong person who can never be vulnerable with their feelings, especially in the corporate world. Feelings are a sign of weakness and if you admit you don’t know something, then you’re doomed. Or that’s what the world wants you to believe.
But I think most of the successful people that I have met or read about, they had this quality. That they were and still are not afraid of showing their vulnerability and admitting that they don’t know everything. By admitting that, they make themselves open to learning new things. This habit is so difficult to inculcate- this habit of letting your guard down for a second and admit that maybe you don’t know what you’re doing with your life and its completely and truly okay!
Next letter that I related to was Gerry Laybourne’s. She is the CEO of oxygen media. And her success story is very interesting. She was a school teacher and in 1980. How do you go from being a school teacher to a ceo of your own media company, I can’t comprehend. Yeah! She was former executive leader at Nickelodeon- that was impressive!
Her letter is an inspiration and an encouragement for anyone who is thinking of making some big leaps in their career. Also, it gives you some insight into what being a real entrepreneur is.
Everyone thinks that raising money is the biggest hurdle. But she talks about how it is nothing compared to the tasks of setting the vision, building the brand and so on. We should actually start by thinking about who can help actualize your vision. I loved this advice for aspiring entrepreneurs.
And she ends it by saying, “remember to be your own best friend. Turn off the radio station in your head that points out your failures” That could be a motivational poster on my desk!
I also want to talk about Camryn Manheim’s letter. She is a very successful actress today and the reason why I loved her letter to her younger self is because I found it extremely relatable, not just to my current self but my entire life that I have lived up until now.
She was struggling with weight issues and as usual the society wasn’t easy on her. In her letter, she says, the people around you dont change. But what changes is the warrior inside you. You eventually, get more confidence, and wit and audacity.
This theory that she adds next. It is probably the most wonderful thought by which to live your life. She says that the universe is like a pension plan. It will match your investment. If you put 100 percent of your potential in it, you’ll get an additional 100 percent back on your return. This is the best investment plan – being proactive about your life. I loved reading this, that if we put our best into something it’s gonna get matched up— such motivation to do better at anything and everything!
Another letter I really loved was by Mary matalin who is a political commentator.
She writes in her letter that Work should not be work. You should love your job. — I can personally attest to the truth in this. I have worked at jobs because they paid better but I was miserable to the point that it manifested in my personal life as well. Finding something that I found meaning and purpose in has made such a difference in my state of mind and quality of life. That’s very true. I think that it could be sometimes difficult to find that one thing that you love to do and make it your work OR just put so much effort in your actual work that you eventually start loving it. Whatever path you choose to take, you have to love your job because that’s what you spend 1/3rd of your life doing, that’s what gives meaning to your day and to your life.
She also tells her younger self to give importance to her skills, especially the ones that don’t go on the resume, because they can help us figure out so much of the direction we want to go in.
No amount of hard work or acquired expertise can overcome a ‘bad fit’. If your instincts are saying, something’s wrong in paradise, then there probably is a problem. Do not ignore tugs if trepidation or constant discomfort, even if you cannot put your finger on exactly what’s bugging you. There are many reasons the “perfect” job may not be so perfect in a day-to-day situation, which is, after all, how we live our lives. Maybe you misjudged your interest, or your colleagues. This doesn’t mean if you have a few bad days you should pack it in. It means pay attention to low-grade dissatisfaction before it turns into a potential self destruction. I loved this advice so much. She is talking about work here but I think this easily applies to our personal lives as well. When we ignore our intuition and don’t pay attention to these low grade dissatisfactions, we can find ourselves in situations which grow much much worse and ones we may find ourselves stuck in. Yeah, love that advice!
Another letter that was very interesting to me was Trish McEvoy’s, who is the makeup artist and founder of trust McEvoy Ltd.
She mentions one of her longest deepest relationships Is with her mother in law, and I was like what?! Is that real?! And then she says,” to me, she was a perfect person; she was totally self-reliant. She has the knack for focusing on her loved ones without interfering. She is not a big advice giver and she never judges.“ and I was like yeah bingo! Of Course you like her then.
I didn’t relate to her letter that much, probably because I am still at that stage where I feel awkward around my MIL and I don’t even want to make any effort to make it right! Yeah that sounds real to me– even with all the sweetness of her letter I just found much of it unbelievable. I think we have been scarred by our upbringing!
Joyce Roche has very interesting things to say in her letter. She is the CEO of girls inc. Its a non profit that inspires girls to be strong, smart and bold. In her letter to her 34 years old self, she writes about impostor syndrome. This is one of my favorite letters because You won’t expect someone as successful as her to have ever gone through impostor syndrome and I have been through it, as I am sure a lot of people (more women than men) have also been at that point.
She says that even though people around you praise you for your job and hardwork, somewhere deep inside you dont believe what they say. You feel that it’s just a matter of time before they discover that you’re not supposed to be here. And then she asks her younger self to stop doubting herself, her abilities and to stop working so hard and worrying so much because she deserves a place at the table. I know that feeling– can totally relate to that. I am not sure how that seed of doubt is planted, but it continues to plague us in every endeavour we take on.
Well, like I said, I have been there. And I have felt how agonizing it is to doubt yourself every single day. I was at that place in my mind where I thought I couldn’t do anything and that I was the dumbest person in the world. And I don’t say it lightly because that’s how it feels. And it takes a lot lot lot of effort to get yourself out of that headspace.
Last letter for me is Liz Smith who is a gossip columnist.
You should live as though you know you are going to be famous. Even if you aren’t, you still have the satisfaction of knowing exactly how you spent your time. — I think subconsciously I have been doing that sometimes, with my journals. I write for a future audience, trying to preserve my memories. Although I’m not as good at it as I would like to be.
Give it all you’ve got. Drop the envy and secret malice. Here she is talking to herself when she was an underpaid underappreciated employee who was frustrated at times and something in her made her say no to bosses or not dig deeper to find solutions. I feel we might have all done it at some point especially with bad bosses— that desire to not give what they need is so human in those circumstances. That is the most important career advice I have ever heard. And I say that I have experienced it because this is probably the 1 trait that makes leaders different from followers in my opinion. Everyone can be part of the problem, you know. People who don’t do their jobs right, people who slack at their jobs, people who give up too soon and too easily. But to be part of a solution, only real leaders can do that. So you have to give it all you have got if you want to rise above the ranks of mediocrity! Yes! It’s conscious decisions like these that make a big difference in the long run.
These were our favorite letters and you can see some common elements. Each of the contributors feels real kindness for the girl, young adult, or middle aged woman she once was – and I can’t help but realize that this is the most important thing. We, more often than not, are so hard on ourselves and our younger selves. We don’t like the decisions that we took when we were young. We don’t like how we looked, how we dressed. We criticize the thoughts and pictures of our younger selves. But it’s so important to feel kindness for our past selves because that has led to the woman we are today.
Although we have cherry picked a few from this book, all the letters bring bites of inspiration and we would urge you to pick up this book next. We loved reading about these amazing women, their inspirational lives, and this truly intimate insight into their mind. All the women in this book are incredible— so fierce and powerful, and yet, so wise and humble. We absolutely recommend this gem— for sure, everyone will find a few role models in there.
If you were to write a letter to your younger self, what would you say Khyati?
I would tell my younger self to be more assertive, to be more confident, to believe in her instincts and to not calm the fuck down, because that’s your USP! Oh, and to consciously keep think positive thoughts about herself until it becomes a habit.
I LOVE THAT!!! I would tell my younger self to be more bold about being herself, and not settle for anything that doesn’t feel right. I would tell myself to stop worrying about others and pleasing others and doing so much for others, and learn to put myself first. I would tell myself to give in my 100% to my skills and creativity.
And listeners, what would you write to your younger selves? Share your letters with us on Twitter or Instagram– we would love to read them!
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Next month we’ll be back with Power by Naomi Alderman Go grab your copy now and read with us! Keep listening!
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